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Saturday, August 10, 2013

The Miserables

Today I got an email from a person dealing with Choral at the college I will be attending in the fall, reminding me that I still need to remove myself from that class because my mom does not want me to be travelling at night.

I feel selfish for being so, but all those miserable feelings came back as I read it over and over again. About the time frame for classes. About the difficult Mozart piece we they will be working on. I keep reading the email whenever I'm on the computer.

Okay, yes, I'm obsessing about this. Yes, I'm probably thoughtless and selfish for thinking of myself. But I can't help remembering how happy I was when I found out I was going to be able to take this class. I felt like I was floating on a cloud, and I was praising God and thanking Him over and over again for letting me have this opportunity. I felt so blessed. I feel like music and singing are the most amazing thing in my life, perhaps even over writing. I don't think I even regret saying that. Maybe even over reading, too. I feel so happy when I can let my heart sing with my voice...and I wanted so much to be to have my voice trained a little. That's been my biggest dream for so long. So that's basically what's happened...my biggest dream has been crushed. You already all know that I found out I couldn't take that class a few months ago. But I've never gotten over it, and that email...well, it just dug out all those "buried hopes", as Anne Shirley would say.

I look over the names of all my classmates the people who will be taking that class.

Carolina, Amanda, me
Ella, Julia, me
Mikaela, Maria, me

I feel that I've worked myself into a period of calm from telling myself all this in my head, but then it just comes back again.

I feel that I would do anything just to be able to take this class. Work with my faults, such as the lack of exercise and my too-big pleasure of eating. Work on trying to be more mature, and more level-headed, and more cautious.

I don't even care anymore about the things that used to get me excited, like the prospect of saving up to get a professional camera, or reading the new Taylor Swift book I got on our last trip, or eating the rest of the peanut butter from the jar with a spoon.

I can't think about uniting my sufferings with those of Christ on the cross, otherwise those tears will really come out. I just have to keep saying more Hail Marys and pray for a miracle that probably won't come. Help my unbelief, God.

I'm probably going to regret putting my heart out again for everyone to see, but here goes.

3, 2, 1, post

4 comments:

  1. Oh, Alyianna.

    That doesn't make you selfish or thoughtless. It's natural. You were looking forward to it, and it was really disappointing.

    I completely understand, because I LOVE singing, and I might not be able to take any more classes at the college because they've done this thing were after you take a class a certain number of times you can never take it again, and I only have like one more class I can take before I hit my limit. And it's depressing because my singing teacher was epic.

    Maybe since you can't do the choral thing, you should see if your local college offers voice classes. It's good to try, and the people who take those classes are usually pretty nice.

    Don't let it get you too down though, God never closes a door without opening a window.

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  2. Thanks Treskie. :) You're a good friend. I could try that, though this is the only Catholic college where I live (and it's on the other side of the city). I can't even go to choir practices for my own church anymore because of the lack of time. :-/

    But I will hope for the best. :)

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  3. I'm so sorry Alyianna. :( Like Treskie said, it's totally fine to be upset. Awww *sends more comforting hugs* But yeah, if it's meant to be, there will be a way someday. It might be unexpected, may take a while, but there could be something great waiting in your future too. But for now, I'm really sorry you're hurting. :(

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