I feel selfish for being so, but all those miserable feelings came back as I read it over and over again. About the time frame for classes. About the difficult Mozart piece
Okay, yes, I'm obsessing about this. Yes, I'm probably thoughtless and selfish for thinking of myself. But I can't help remembering how happy I was when I found out I was going to be able to take this class. I felt like I was floating on a cloud, and I was praising God and thanking Him over and over again for letting me have this opportunity. I felt so blessed. I feel like music and singing are the most amazing thing in my life, perhaps even over writing. I don't think I even regret saying that. Maybe even over reading, too. I feel so happy when I can let my heart sing with my voice...and I wanted so much to be to have my voice trained a little. That's been my biggest dream for so long. So that's basically what's happened...my biggest dream has been crushed. You already all know that I found out I couldn't take that class a few months ago. But I've never gotten over it, and that email...well, it just dug out all those "buried hopes", as Anne Shirley would say.
I look over the names of all
I feel that I would do anything just to be able to take this class. Work with my faults, such as the lack of exercise and my too-big pleasure of eating. Work on trying to be more mature, and more level-headed, and more cautious.
I don't even care anymore about the things that used to get me excited, like the prospect of saving up to get a professional camera, or reading the new Taylor Swift book I got on our last trip, or eating the rest of the peanut butter from the jar with a spoon.
I can't think about uniting my sufferings with those of Christ on the cross, otherwise those tears will really come out. I just have to keep saying more Hail Marys and pray for a miracle that probably won't come. Help my unbelief, God.
I'm probably going to regret putting my heart out again for everyone to see, but here goes.
3, 2, 1, post