Some Awesome People

Thursday, April 26, 2012

From Draft 1 to Draft 3

Even though I am just on the beginning pages of my book, I still have made some changes - some on my own, some with some suggestions from a girl from my school, who is helping me edit. I added some new stuff this week, but I also did a little bit of superficial editing on Wednesday.

Now I have below the same passage, on its journey from Draft to Draft 3. Please tell me what you think! Were the changes a major improvement, or just a little one? Do you have any comments for further improvement on the section (from Draft 3, of course).

Some explanations about my changes (you may want to read this AFTER you read the two drafts):
In the first draft, I say a "helicopter", but I say a "flying machine" in the third. This is because I made some major changes to setting. In the first draft, I was thinking about a setting in the modern world today, but I didn't exactly know how everything in my story was going to work with that because my "Mordor" is going to be this medieval-like place with people, who wear clothing sort of like medieval Turks and Arabs (Disney, like Aladdin) mixed together, but whose culture is like the Romans in the time of the persecution of the Christians.

So I made some major changes to my setting - the place where the whole story happens is on a little earth-like planet called Pieno, which has a civilization on it much like a medieval European civilization on Earth (but at this time, Earth is in a time period right about now). A genius scientist makes a machine (sort of like a space shuttle, I haven't figure out the structure yet) to fly into space, and the selected astronauts are pulled into a black hole - and eventually find themselves on Earth. The first person they meet is this really evil man called Daniel Hill. He brainwashes the men into believing that he can do wonders for Pieno - and he comes back with the men to modernize Pieno and take over it. In his first few years on Pieno (around two decades), he become the prime minister (under the Ustah, or King) and modernizes the richest district of Pieno, and makes it just like Earth, except that the Pienonic people living there don't have EVERY machine (hence, the helicopter is a new machine in Miranda and Marianne's eyes). When the story begins, Marianne is living in this modern district, but soon moves on to other ones (which are a completely different world to her). Rhona (who I HOPE you remember from my previous updates) lives on a poor district. What is happening here, I am loosely basing on the potato famine in Ireland, except without the potato famine, just the main idea of people being kicked off their land if they can't pay the taxes. But here, people are being kicked off their land so forcefully so that power stations and modern buildings can be built on their farmlands.

This probably sounds really cheesy...but I haven't gotten all the details out yet and I haven't gotten around to researching to see if all these ideas would actually work. But if you see any flaws in my setting ideas, please please PLEASE point them out to me. It would help a LOT.

Draft 1


                It was while running to Haymee Park that Marianne met Miranda Shore, a good friend of hers before Uncle George went missing and Aunt Katrina died.
                “Marianne! Is that really you?” came the sound of a surprise voice that seemed oddly familiar to her ears.
                Marianne spun around. “Miranda?!?”
                Then the two girls were hugging each other, and laughing, talking together.
                “It’s been so long since I saw you last! You never answered my emails or the door when I knocked,” accused Miranda in a disapproving tone.
                “I know and I’m so sorry! It’s just that….well, since Uncle went missing and Auntie died, things have been all wrong!”
                With that, Marianne launched into an account of her evil lifestyle.
                By the time she finished, Miranda was gasping. “Wow…I didn’t know anyone could be so bad. I mean…no offense…but…”
                Marianne laughed. “Take it easy. I know I was…I don’t really know the word to explain it…and I’m certainly not going down that road again.” Then she slapped her head. “Oh no! I’m supposed to be at Haymee Park right now!” She set off down the road at a pace faster than she had ever thought she could go.
                “Where are you going?” called Miranda.
                “Tell you on the way!” yelled back Marianne, hardly being able to spare breath for even this short phrase.
                By the time they arrived at the park, gasping and clutching at their stomachs, Miranda was able to at least understand that Marianne was in some kind of danger because of some kind of necklace.
                Marianne looked up when she caught her breath. Then she stopped and looked in every direction, aghast. Then she sank down to her knees.
                “What’s the matter?” asked Miranda, concerned.
                “Mr. Hertz isn’t here…and the Prince’s men are after me!” wailed Marianne.
                But just at that moment, they heard the sound of a helicopter. They looked up, Miranda looking hopeful, and Marianne holding her breath, stricken with fear. It came out in a whoosh when the helicopter landed and Mr. Hertz looked out the door.
                However, a stricken look appeared on his face, too, when he did.
                “That…that girl can’t go with us!” he stammered.
                “Why not?” demanded Marianne. “She’s my friend!”
                “I…I told the Prince’s men that she was the one, who had the necklace…” Mr. Hertz faltered when he saw the furious look on Marianne’s face.
                “You…did WHAT?” Marianne half-screamed.
                But suddenly another helicopter’s whirring was heard.



Draft 3

Marianne was running, running, running. She had no idea what she might be running from…but she didn’t exactly want to find out.
                “Marianne! Is that really you?”
                Marianne spun around. “Miranda?!?”
                Then the two girls were hugging each other, and laughing, talking together.
                “It’s been so long since I saw you last! You never answered my emails or the door when I knocked,” accused Miranda in a disapproving tone.
                “I know and I’m so sorry! It’s just that….well, since Uncle went missing and Auntie died, things have been all wrong!”
Then she slapped her head. “Oh no! I’m supposed to be at Haymee Park right now!” She set off down the road at a pace faster than she had ever thought she could go.
                “Where are you going?” called Miranda, running after Marianne.
                “Don’t follow me!” yelled back Marianne, hardly being able to spare breath for even this short phrase. “It’s too dangerous!”
                Miranda didn’t listen.
Just like old immature, na├»ve Miranda, Marianne thought. She didn’t dislike or look down upon Miranda for it, and she usually found it funny. But not now. There was danger in store, for heaven’s sake!
“Don’t…follow…me,” Marianne cried, gasping for breath. She was just able to get the words out.
“Why?” Miranda cried back, running in the same stride as her. She wasn’t finding it so hard to run at this pace.
Big surprise. While Marianne had gone to public school, Miranda had been homeschooled, so she had a lot more time to work out and things like that.
                By the time they arrived at the park, gasping and clutching at their stomachs (even Miranda), Miranda was able to at least understand that her old friend was in some kind of danger because of some necklace.
                Marianne looked up when she caught her breath. Then she stopped and looked in every direction, aghast. Then she sank down to her knees.
                “What’s the matter?” asked Miranda, concerned.
                “Mr. Hertz isn’t here…and the Prince’s men are after me!” Marianne could feel panic rising among her, trying to burst out of her. The same panic was pushing tears to her eyes.
                But just at that moment, they heard the sound of an engine. The two girls looked up…and saw a most curious device.
                It was like a grey car with wings, so shiny that it made your eyes hurt to look at it, and it was flying through the air. It also had a huge propeller at the top that was whirring around and around so fast that it made a blur in the air.
                “What the heck is that?” Miranda asked, at the same time as Marianne thought, Who is in it?
She was holding her breath, stricken with fear. The machine landed, none too gracefully, and the door opened and Mr. Hertz was standing in the doorway, a young man with sandy hair behind him. But a stricken look was on Mr. Hertz’s face.
                “That…that girl can’t go with us!” he stammered.
                “Why not?” demanded Marianne. “She’s my friend!”
                “I…I told the Prince’s men that she was the one, who had the necklace…” Mr. Hertz faltered when he saw the furious look on Marianne’s face.
                “You…did WHAT?” Marianne half-screamed.
                But suddenly another whirring was heard.

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